Dear Asrianna,

I’m very close to my paternal uncle and have a close, loving relationship with him. Several months ago he was diagnosed with a terminal illness and is at home, now, being cared for through hospice. It’s heartbreaking to see him bedridden and ill and what makes it harder is that although he knows of the diagnosis he won’t accept it and keeps asking when he’ll improve. Any time someone tries to bring up the topic of his prognosis, he just changes the subject.

I’d like him to be less fearful and feel more peaceful about what’s happening because hearing him say he wants to be better is breaking my heart. I’d also love to be able to talk to him about how much he’s meant to me without feeling like he’s not hearing me. Is there some way I can gently help him to face reality so we who love him can give him the comfort he deserves?

Signed,
Not Afraid to Die

None of us truly knows how we’ll face our own death until the final moment arrives, do we? That being said, it’s noble and wise to live a full life even as we keep in mind the inevitability of our demise. Death is a natural part of the life cycle and having an awareness of this reality gives our days meaning and lessens the fear of the unknown as we explore what leaving the physical world will mean to us and those we love. When we realize there’s finality to our span of days, we’re reminded to live in the present, to show love to those we care about, and to follow the call of our dreams and goals. With that in mind, it’s admirable that you want to help your uncle face his impending death with peace and fearlessness.

Yet just as we must each make our own choices and learn our own lessons along our life path, so to we must go through our own process of acceptance and awareness of our mortality. You can’t force your uncle to do what he’s emotionally and psychologically unprepared to do. Furthermore, I’m sure that at a certain level he’s utterly aware of the reality of his terminal illness. He’s giving you a very clear message when he’s changing the subject and the message is, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

You mention his fear of death. How can you be certain it’s fear? There may be many reasons for his avoidance. Perhaps he doesn’t want to cause pain to those he loves and feels he’s saving them from being sad and uncomfortable. It could be that he wants to live each remaining moment to the fullest rather than focusing on what will arrive all too soon. He may indeed feel uncertainty about the death process and what—if any—afterlife there might be so, yes, fear may place a big part.

Your role, however, is to allow your uncle his own process even as you become more cognizant of your personal motivations. You say you want to gently help him to face his own death. Ask yourself, why? Why is it so vital to you that he face his death in any way other than his own choosing, regardless of how it might seem to others? It’s normal for you to want to help and comfort your uncle, but you can’t force your vision of solace upon him.

What simmers beneath your words are your own, understandable needs. You want your uncle to have your version of a good death because you love him and you feel his doing so will be beneficial to him. It will also make it easier for you. You have an emotional connection, a history and a present with him that you’d like to express to a degree of completion so you’ll feel the cycle has closure. These are natural desires and if all the people involved are on the same place in their path, such a scenario is blessed and beautiful. Honoring where a person is in their process of growth and learning can be difficult if we feel we see further ahead, more correctly than they do.

In many ways, dear Not Afraid, this is really about you. It’s about control and realizing what you can change and what you must accept. You can’t-—and shouldn’t—be the architect of another person’s life because you aren’t privy to the soul lessons they’ve at some level chosen to experience. You can’t save your beloved uncle from his personal path toward learning and awareness.

What you can do is be present. Visit him and do less talking and more listening. Love is pure energy; it’s an action of the spirit, of the heart and is often expressed most inadequately in the language of words. When your uncle talks of getting better you can gently encourage him to express what that means to him. Give him space to move forward toward his own acceptance and surrender.

Share memories with him and by all means tell him how much you love him, how much you cherish his presence in your life. This needn’t be done with attendant regrets regarding his impending death. Celebrate the moments in joyful recognition of the history you’ve shared and of the time you have now, right now. Perhaps you’ll find that when you no longer exert the subtle or not-so-subtle pressure on your uncle to face his death on your terms, he’ll come to a place, on his own, where he talks about just that.

Many blessings,
Asrianna

Dear Asrianna,

I’m in college and right before school started I met a great woman. The problem is that we dated only three weeks before she left for a year away at a university in England.

She’ll be back over the holidays and we’ve kept in almost daily contact through phone calls and email. I really like her a lot and feel she’s someone I could possibly spend my life with but everyone keeps telling me I should date other people.

Am I doing the wrong thing by caring enough for her to wait? I’m really not interested in anyone else. Do you have any ideas?

Signed,
Willing to Wait

Dear Willing,

There was a time when I might have joined the chorus of those who tell you to keep your options open and continue to date while you explore this very new relationship. It’s still an option if your reasons for waiting are unrealistic. My suggestion is to look carefully at your nature and expectations.

Some people have what I call a “sacred contract” nature. They look at the world through the lenses of holiness and approach life with a sense of reverence and emotional intensity. To them a promise is a covenant and their word is their oath. To a person with this energy it’s often hard to let the heart entertain more than one romantic interest at a time. If this describes you, dear Willing, then the thought of dating other people when you feel an emotional connection and loyalty to someone else might seem nearly impossible.

The difficulty of being this single-minded, however, is twofold. First it puts a great deal of energetic pressure on a person who might not share a similar nature, and it’s a great deal to ask after knowing each other in person for a mere three weeks. Secondly, this scenario can set up a level of expectation that can be hard to meet once the long-distance courtship is at an end and the day-to-day reality of interacting with another person sets in.

You didn’t mention whether she’s expressed the same emotional commitment to you. Would your willingness to wait still stand if you found she was dating others? Contemplate your own, honest expectations and imagine how you’ll feel if after a year of waiting you find it doesn’t work out. If you’re willing to take that risk then not dating others might be a viable option and be in alignment with your nature.

Be that as it may, make sure you’re not putting the entirety of your life on hold while awaiting her return. Many people conduct long-distance relationships successfully and it may be that yours stands the test of time. Yet for it to work you’ll be wise to bring to the relationship a happy you with interests and activities other than your single-minded desire for her. Remain optimistic while asking yourself tough questions, and stay true to your nature even as you honestly appraise your expectations.

Many blessings,
Asrianna

Asrianna Dameron is a Psychic, a Spiritual Medium, and Certified Hypnotherapist in private practice. She offers individual and group sessions as well as seminars and speaking engagements on the topics of Psychic Development, Mediumship, Hypnosis and Shamanic healing. Asrianna can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it , by visiting her website at www.shamansheart.com, or by calling 603-892-1268.