Dear Asrianna,

I’m 36 years old, divorced, and lonely. I’m intelligent, attractive, and friendly, but I can’t seem to find anyone who’s interested in a long-term relationship. I’ve gone the route of blind dates, dating sites, and anything else I can think of but I’m still single. I don’t know what more I can do to find a man to share my life with and I’m afraid I’m meant to always be alone. Can you give me any advice that can help?

Signed, Lonely and at a Loss

Dear Lonely,

Love is the lesson life teaches us and one of the biggest—though not the only—way we can learn love is through a romantic relationship. Within that deep connection and commitment we’ve the opportunity of experiencing the full gamut of human emotions. In doing so, we become aware of our personal strengths as well as those areas still needing work. So it’s no surprise that you’re longing to find a romantic connection.

I also don’t believe that God—or the Universe, Higher Power, All-in-All, Buddha, Mohammed, whatever name you choose to give your deity—gives us a desire and longing we’re not meant to assuage when it comes to matters of love. This doesn’t mean you can force the individual of your choice to love you back, nor will the Universe reward you with something at the expense of another. But I assure you that if you dream of a loving relationship, you’re meant to have it. That being said, there are several things you might consider on your path toward true love.

For instance, have you made an assessment of your past relationships? You mentioned you’re divorced. What worked in that relationship and what didn’t? What traits or situations in past relationships caused you pain and what gave you delight? Make good use of earlier lessons so you avoid recognizable pitfalls. Often clients tell me that God must not hear their prayers for a loving union, or that they’re being punished somehow. Perhaps, instead, the Divine is actually saving you from making the same mistake again until you’ve figured out what the problems are, thus eliminating additional, unnecessary pain.

Think of your desire for a stable, loving relationship as a potential garden plot. For many people the ground is hard, arid, riddled with weeds of past hurts and disappointments. Any new relationship growing in such soil is likely to be strangled or never sprout at all, tainted and stunted by unresolved old-growth. By tilling the ground, consciously realizing what worked and what didn’t, gaining understanding from all that grew there before, you ready the garden for future growth. The fertile soil is then ready for a fresh, new love and all that went before lays the foundation for that deep relationship.

Quite often one of the limiting factors—particularly for women, but men experience it as well—is that they consistently give all of themselves to a relationship, completely handing over their power to another without asking for, or expecting, anything in return. You start out as a powerful, independent, interesting, curious and adventurous individual but eventually you focus so completely on the other that your needs and longings become buried and ignored. Rather than being a dynamic part of a whole, you become the support upon which your partner leans, setting the relationship up for future problems. Use this time to gain an understanding of what it is that you need in a relationship.

One of the exercises I frequently give to my clients is the “needs” list. Take a piece of lined paper and at the top write down, “What I need in a romantic relationship in order to be happy.” Think about past relationships. What did they lack? What elements stood out that made you happy? For instance, one woman realized that in all of her previous relationships she’d never felt respected. It became one of the first things she listed. Yet I encouraged her to go even deeper. What does respect mean to her? What would it look like?

When thinking back to her most recent past relationship she remembered that one of the things she felt most diminished by was that when she’d try to talk to her partner, he’d keep watching the television, occasionally mumbling an, “uh huh,” or, “mmm yeah.” So, on her list she wrote down, “I need a partner who focuses on me fully when I communicate with him.” Notice she didn’t say, “I don’t want a guy who ignores me.” Make sure to put all your statements in a positive format, what you want rather than what you don’t.

When you write down a list of what you need, without realizing it, you’ve also created a “boundaries” list. We speak of having healthy boundaries, but what are they, really? Boundaries arise from needs. If you need respect at work, then when a co-worker makes a disparaging comment you can stop the conversation and say, “Mary Ann, you just said I spoke out of turn in the morning meeting and I’m uncomfortable with that. I’d like more clarification. Let’s talk more about this.” It gives you the opportunity of protecting yourself from unnecessary pain and shame. A boundary is a healthy way of establishing protective perimeters, a tool for better communication, and a signpost for spotting potential relationship challenges before they grow into corroding resentment and anger.

What this all does, Lonely, is to remove any energetic roadblock to your romance. When an individual tells me that they’ve done everything conceivable in order to find true love, and it still hasn’t arrived, a red flag waves. It tells me something deeper keeps them from the relationship they’re longing to manifest into their lives.

The list of needs and the recognition of boundaries does more than just make conscious those things making you happy or unhappy in a relationship. If you’ve been hurt before and trust is an issue—and who hasn’t experienced this to some degree?—then even if you consciously want love in your life, your fears may be setting up an unseen barrier keeping a relationship at bay. Putting in place a healthy structure in order to protect your needs and emotions removes the necessity of wider, less discriminating ways of avoiding hurt.

I’ve seen people who want a committed relationship more than anything in their lives walk around with remote, off-putting demeanors, or conversely, those who constantly joke and kid around and effectively avoid emotional closeness. Both of these are typically unconscious behaviors meant as a means of self-protection. When your boundaries are healthy, you don’t need such measures because you’re able to recognize a potential threat when it actually occurs and you’ll feel confident in your ability to deal with them when—and if—necessary.

Lastly, another exercise is also helpful when working toward manifesting a loving, healthy relationship. Pretend you’re a six-year-old child who believes in Santa Claus and you’re writing out your gift list. You trust that whatever you jot down, Santa is going to deliver. A child gets quite specific, you know. They don’t just want a bicycle, they want a red bicycle with tassels on the handlebars and a white and red basket attached. Your list is going to be titled, “What traits I want in a romantic partner.”

Do you want someone with humor? Write it down. Better yet, if you love wry humor, but slapstick drives you nuts, make sure you say, “I want an individual who finds humor in everyday situations,” rather than, “I love a man who can laugh at a banana peel skit.” Again, be specific and above all, have fun! This is your letter to God, a written prayer than spells out what you really want in your true love. If you’re going out to buy a car, it helps immensely to know if you prefer a sports car or a luxury sedan, a red one rather than yellow, and a new model rather than a classic. Will you get everything on your list? Most likely not, but without it you’re casting a wide net and what you pull up might be far less satisfying to you than if you’d concentrated on a particular lure.

Finally, Lonely, don’t forget to state your desires silently or aloud, in other words, ask Higher Guidance for help. Even if you don’t believe in God or an unseen deity, by asking for help you’re setting in motion forces that begin to work on your behalf. I envision it this way. Think of the power behind a laser. Left unfocused and diffuse, that energy is random, hit or miss, and is likely to be ineffective or at worst, harmful. But channeled, focused and specific it can cut through the thickest steel. A prayer, or request, a ceremony or ritual is just another means of honing your power toward your desired goal.

Many blessings, Asrianna