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Dear Asrianna,

I know the economic crisis is touching everyone to one degree or another. And I don’t think my problem is the only one of its kind, but I really need help. My sister and her husband bought an expensive house about two years ago that I knew they couldn’t afford. They live an extravagant lifestyle with new cars, luxury trips, top-of-the-line gadgets, you name it and they’ve bought it. I wouldn’t care or notice except that my sister has shared her money worries with me and has admitted that they’re living off of credit cards. I’ve even had to lend her the occasional money when she’s been strapped.

I’m a single woman and work hard at a steady job with a comfortable but relatively modest pay. I own my own home, one I bought quite a few years ago and have maintained nicely. I guess you could say I’m pretty predictable but I like to have my life and finances in order.

Now my sister, her husband, and their daughter are losing their home to foreclosure and she’s asked if they can stay with me until they recoup enough to move into a new home.

Asrianna, I feel awful admitting this but I’m resentful. Why should I have to give up my privacy and space to a couple that has been so irresponsible? Even now, as they’re losing everything, they still go out to dinner and spend money they don’t have. Isn’t there a time when you have to own your mistakes and suffer the consequences?

But I can’t let them live on the streets either. I’m afraid they’ll move in and, because they haven’t changed their spending and mind-set, they won’t leave or at the least they’ll stay longer than I can tolerate.

How can I do the right thing? And if the right thing is letting them live with me, how can I do it without feeling as angry as I do now?

Signed, Frugal and Fuming

Dear Frugal,

Money isn’t the root of all evil, but it’s at the root of many a complex situation. It’s easier for most Americans to talk about sex than it is to discuss their finances. Having—or not having—money can touch upon one’s sense of worth, security, self-nurturance, and enjoyment as well as being a source of stress, anxiety, fear and failure. For most individuals, money isn’t about a dollar bill or a handful of tangible coins; it’s about how they see themselves, how they feel others view them, and how they meet a variety of needs, both emotional and material.

We live in a culture that lauds and values signs of material abundance, equating wealth with success and personal achievement. There’s even a cable television program called Wealth and it streams programs showing every conceivable, and inconceivable, luxury. Hollywood stars and corporate moguls spend millions of dollars, each appearing happy and fulfilled. Even as we repeat the old adage that money can’t buy happiness, we watch such expenditures and somewhere inside a little voice says, me too. I want to be successful and admired. I want to buy that computer or dress or car without having to think, can I really afford that?

As a nation we’re promised the right to pursue happiness, but most people make the mistake of seeking happiness outside of themselves. Dissatisfied with their lives, and yearning for something to fill that vague sense of emptiness, they buy and buy and buy, with each acquisition hoping to reach the point where they feel nurtured and fulfilled. Of course that goal is never realized and their new desires grow in proportion to their disappointment. This creates a cycle of unhappiness, spending, disappointment and guilt, and more splurges.

When you combine the emotional reasons for overspending with a variety of other underlying issues such as a lack of discipline, an inability to postpone instant gratification, a sense of entitlement, an absence of basic budgeting knowledge, and a reluctance to see the real consequences of  the choice to spend, you get the perfect setting for many a financial catastrophe.

Understanding the dynamics of overspending helps those of us who are more prudent with money to see those who struggle in a more compassionate light. It doesn’t justify their behavior nor does it excuse them from having to experience the consequences of their financial choices. In fact, an unpleasant result can be the catalyst for change and growth.

The problem is that no one lives in a vacuum and painful consequences can, and usually do, touch not only the responsible individuals, but also family, friends, the community, and the world at large. When your sister and her husband—like so many others—purchased a home outside of their price range, when they spent and continue to spend more than they earn, when those actions lead to foreclosure, they not only have to experience the losses, but now you have deal with an unpleasant situation.

In addition, it fosters resentment in the hearts of others, strangers who don’t know your sister but who, nonetheless, feel anger toward those they see as being instrumental in the economic crisis. On a large scale this negativity creates global fear which compounds the situation, worsening its effects on everyone.

So how do you cope with something so complex and emotionally laden? You start from a place of compassion. Compassion, as with forgiveness, doesn’t mean you ignore the trespass. It doesn’t excuse the behavior of your sister and your brother-in-law. It doesn’t even mean you have to open your home to them. It means employing discernment instead of judgment.

Operate from a place where you acknowledge your sister’s negative behavior even as you honor her intrinsic value as an individual. In doing so you maintain a level of loving objectivity enabling you to see the situation with greater clarity. This creates a foundation of understanding which allows you to see how you can truly be of the greatest good for your sister. You can make your own decisions regarding her request, but from the standpoint of seeking what’s ultimately best for her growth and your own. You help her as she helps herself in this situation rather than fixing it for her and feeling resentful. And it means being kind to yourself even as you explore the deepest reasons for your resentment and anger.

For instance, are you certain there isn’t an element of jealousy in your emotional response? As you watched your sister living a life of material abundance, was there a part of you wishing you could do so with the same level of abandonment? You’ve worked hard, done the right things, sacrificed and lived within your means, and now they get the benefit of having splurged even as you have to bail them out? No wonder you’re angry.

When we feel, even subconsciously, envious of someone, then when they get their comeuppance we can experience twinges of self-righteousness satisfaction, a sense of their having finally gotten what they deserved. While this can be an understandable reaction, it never feels good to take even a fraction of pleasure in someone else’s misfortune, however self-inflicted and well-deserved.

Powerlessness can also create feelings of anger and frustration. In your letter you indicated that if you didn’t let them live with you, they’d be on the street. If you truly believe this then as a caring individual you’re left with no choice other than to open your home to them. When we feel coerced into doing something, we understandably resist. Are you certain there isn’t an alternative option for them? Speak up. Asking questions and making your hesitations and concerns known gives voice to your emotions and honors your needs as an individual. This isn’t selfishness, it’s a way to make helping them feel like a choice rather than an unavoidable obligation

When someone asks a favor, when they request our assistance, it’s not unreasonable to ask for more details in order to help us make our decision as to whether we’ll say yes or no. While keeping love and compassion as your primary source, inquire as to what they’re truly asking. Do they expect months of help, or is there a specific time-frame? What will they be doing to rectify their financial state so they’ll be able to reach their goal of independence? What plans will they have in place to become fiscally secure so that they’ll no longer need your assistance?

If it ends up that, armed with the details and such assurances as you need, you open your home to them, make sure to do so with clear boundaries in place. Communicate, uncomfortable as it may be, your expectations of behavior while they share your home. What are the rules by which you’ll feel less imposed upon? Will they need to pay some portion of the utilities or rent? What about chores such as cleaning and groceries, cooking and the use of shared spaces such as the TV room?

Being in a position to offer help to the people we love—even if their need for assistance arises from their own mistakes—can open up avenues of personal understanding and spiritual growth. The situation you’re faced with can be a means of expanding your ability to speak up for yourself. It can be an avenue by which to identify your emotional strengths and vulnerabilities. But whatever your decision, make it from a place of compassionate understanding both of yourself and your sister.

Many blessings, Asrianna

Asrianna Dameron is a Psychic, a Spiritual Medium, a Certified Hypnotherapist, and a Certified Past Life Regressionist in private practice. She offers individual and group sessions as well as seminars and speaking engagements on the topics of Psychic Development, Mediumship, Hypnosis and Shamanic healing. Asrianna can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , by visiting her websites at www.shamansheart.com or www.nhshamanandpsychicmedium.com, or by calling 603-892-1268.