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Dear Asrianna,

It took me a long time to finish reading your last column about the woman with the sister who was out-of-control when it came to her spending habits. Although I’m not the sister in question, I could be. I’m sick to my stomach even writing this because I just can’t seem to control myself around money. I feel ashamed and worthless. Every time I read the news, watch TV or hear a radio report on the economy I feel as if I’m the lowest of the low because there are people who are truly financially destitute through no fault of their own and I’m on the verge of personal bankruptcy because of my own lack of discipline.

For as long as I can remember there were money problems in my family when I was growing up. My dad owned his own business and there were more times when we didn’t have money than when we did. It was especially hard for my mom because my dad traveled for his work and when he needed money for his business trips it was her job to find it even when there was none. It didn’t help that my mom grew up in an alcoholic family where money was non-existent and then she married my father, another alcoholic. When you combine all this with her lack of budgeting knowledge, it made her a poor choice for being the one in charge paying the bills in the first place.

Whenever the stress got too much for her we’d go shopping. “Now don’t tell your dad,” she’d say. Or we’d hide our purchases behind the bushes at the front of our house so we could bring them in when he was sleeping. Some of my earliest memories are of being sent into grocery stores with a handful of cash so I could redeem my mother’s bounced checks. As young as I was, I felt filled with shame.

I can’t believe I’m repeating so many of my mother’s mistakes. I don’t involve my daughter and never have, but I’ve certainly hidden things so that my husband doesn’t see how much I’ve purchased. I have my own banking account as we’ll as a part-time business I own but I’ve reached the point where I can’t pay my bills and as of today when I finally checked my bank balance I found out I’m overdrawn. It’s been weeks since I’ve been able to make myself balance my checkbook.

I’ve been diagnosed with ADD and although I don’t tell anyone about it because I keep hearing how “everyone” has ADD and it’s no excuse for stupid behavior. Even so, I still can’t help but think it just makes things worse. When I get overwhelmed something clicks in me and I want to buy something although I never admit that’s what I plan to do. I just say I’m going to go out and window shop, but of course it never ends up that way and when I’m done spending I feel nauseous and embarrassed by how stupid and irresponsible I am.

Right now I feel as if I am the most horrible, worthless person in the world. I’ve tried to be more financially in control but I keep spending and failing. How can I stop this and get my life back in order?

Signed, Broke and Worthless

Dear Broke,

Begin by ceasing to call yourself worthless and stupid. Might there be others who feel that in saying this I’m condoning spending behaviors that are irresponsible or worse? Yes and so be it. Your addiction to spending is far more complex than just a desire to buy things for materialist pleasure. When you’re overwhelmed and in emotional distress, you’ve learned a way of running from the pain. Unfortunately, your current path is detrimental to your happiness and increases the urge to escape through the only path familiar to you.

The dynamics in your childhood, and before that in your mother’s, formed a cycle of cause and effect. Stressful events—both those in and out of your control—create in you a desire to avoid the discomfort of the subsequently painful feelings. Addictions typically arise when we’re trying to ease an uncomfortable emotion. In addition there are often biological components behind many impulsive, addictive and, ultimately, damaging behaviors.

We could cover your family history in many pages, of course, and still not change your spending issues. One of the things I highly recommend is that you find a counselor in your area specializing in addiction, and Attention Deficit Disorder/Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in adults. As you’ve noticed yourself, a point validated in numerous studies, addictive behaviors are one of the symptoms of ADD and ADHD. I understand that it can be hard to afford counseling when you’ve spent the very money you need in order to pay for therapy. If you lack insurance, make the effort to find a licensed mental health professional who works on a sliding fee scale.

While you’ve acknowledged a diagnosis of ADD, you immediately turn around and discount it by your recounting other people’s possible negative reactions. No one else can live your life nor can you limit your own healing by worrying that other individuals are judging you for having a different way of processing and acting on information. Fear of what others think only adds to the perception you have of being shameful and breeds secrecy. You may, in fact, have acted in ways causing those around you to view you as irresponsible. We’re always in charge of the consequences of our choices, however it’s detrimental to limit your path of healing on what others might think. Start where you are and move forward.

If you haven’t already, it would be beneficial for you to do some research on ADD and ADHD in order to see for yourself what the definitions are and how they might pertain to your life and situation. I can’t, nor would I, tell you what your personal path of diagnosis and improvement should look like, nor what resources will ultimately be of most help to you.

That being said, I can confidently offer that WebMD is a well-respected online site. A link to their page answering some basic questions on ADD and ADHD is at http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-adults. Another online site of possible interest and information is the Attention Deficit Disorder Association. Again, I can only offer that these sites are potentially beneficial and informative, not that they will be the answer to every one of your questions.

All of this is a moot point if you feel so worthless that you’ve completely given up. You’re caught in a cycle. One of feeling emotional discomfort and unhappiness, followed by a desperate impulse to escape the pain, the temporary high and fix of spending, and then the subsequent painful emotions that starts the process all over again. The key is that you can step out of the repetitive pattern at any point and one of the quickest is to short-circuit the process at the emotional starting point.

You’ve made poor choices, there’s no doubt about it and your financial crisis is an unavoidable sign of that. What’s done is done and the best you can do about the actual monetary issues is to come clean to yourself, your family and your creditors. It’s a humbling, difficult process and you know as well as I do that it will be hard. When you’ve damaged trust the only way to gain it back is by proving each day, with every decision, that you’re honestly trying to address your behaviors while working on ways to change them.

You may have spent so much, and your financial situation is dire enough that you choose to declare personal bankruptcy. Only you as a debtor, a respected attorney, and your creditors can make that ultimate decision. While credit counseling agencies may help, please be cautious as to which you might consult. There are truly non-profit agencies whose work it is to help those in financial distress work out a payment plan. Just be wary of those who promise compassionate help but nonetheless charge fees for doing so.

Stop and take a look at your life. See where the many blessings reside. If you and your loved ones are healthy and safe, feel gratitude. If you’re sheltered, fed, clothed, employed, able to work and make that next paycheck, one that can go toward financial wellness, offer a thank you to the Universe. Look around you and see the successes of others and realize you can walk that same path. Use your humbling learning experiences as an avenue of growth and compassion as you interact with others. Nothing creates more compassion than realizing our own humanity.

Now is the only reality we have and in this moment, the instant in which you read these words, know you have within you not only the possibility of change, but the certainty of it. Where do you want that change to be? Which direction will you choose? We all walk, stumble, fall and rise again. It’s the rising that elevates you, that moves you forward, wiser and move loving toward yourself and others.

You can heal the hurt that caused you to seek solace in outside avenues. I have every faith that you will.

Many blessings, Asrianna

Asrianna Dameron is a Psychic, a Spiritual Medium, a Certified Hypnotherapist, and a Certified Past Life Regressionist in private practice. She offers individual and group sessions as well as seminars and speaking engagements on the topics of Psychic Development, Mediumship, Hypnosis and Shamanic healing. Asrianna can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , by visiting her websites at www.shamansheart.com or www.nhshamanandpsychicmedium.com, or by calling 603-892-1268.