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Dear Asrianna,

My brother and I are six years apart. I’m forty-seven and he’s fifty-three. He’s the only core family member I have left as our father died twelve years ago and our mom died in 2008. I’d love to be able to say we’re close but the truth is we couldn’t be more unalike and this is causing problems.

It’s as if we were raised by different parents. I loved and respected my father, a man who drank too much but had a heart of gold. A guy who worked hard. My mother, on the other hand, never had a good word to say about me and treated me like dirt.

But my brother doesn’t see it that way. To him our dad was nothing more than a drunk and our mother was the loving, long-suffering woman who kept everyone going. Even granting our age difference and his being my mom’s obvious favorite, I can’t accept that he won’t acknowledge the truth.

I know I shouldn’t care what my brother thinks. I’m a grown man, pretty successful at work, have my own wife and kids. I work hard at being a better person. For example, years ago, when I realized I drank a bit too much, I stopped cold turkey. In the last couple of years, I’ve begun to see some of my mom’s traits in me such as her impatience and critical comments. I’m determined to avoid being anything like her and part of my self-improvement means taking a hard look at how I was raised. It’s important to me to understand as much as I can about the dynamics of my life as possible. I believe in facing whatever it is I’m dealing with straight on. Why can’t my brother do that?

It won’t change the past but it would be pretty validating to be able to talk to my brother honestly about our childhood. But whenever I’ve tried bringing it up, he absolutely denies everything, making me feel idiotic at the least, a down-right liar at the worst. When we do manage to agree on the actual events, his take on it is so completely opposite to mine that we both get angry. He gets belligerent and I get defensive. Now even at get-togethers with extended family and friends we barely speak. We just nod and then avoid each other like the plague.

I’d like us to at least be friends. How can I get him to see things the way they really were?

Signed, Hoping for Help

Dear Hoping,

At a family gathering in New Orleans, my sisters and brother and I reminisced about childhood adventures and misadventures, and fondly recalled a country upbringing where we pretty much had the run of the fields, creeks and woods around us. While we agreed that it was a bit of a miracle we got through unscathed, we were surprised at how differently we remembered the same events, and how some of us recalled a childhood prank that another couldn’t.. We teased each other and then paused as our mother finally spoke up and said, with a tone of exasperation, “I don’t remember any of this! Where was I?”

We’re each unique beings, comprised both of the specific traits and learnings of our inextinguishable and ever evolving souls, and the experiences we undergo in this life.

Making it even more complex, our soul’s uniqueness—our personality if you will—influences how we experience and view the events in our own life. It colors how we see the world, others in it, and our place in the whole. We’re driven to find meaning, but each of us seeks it through our own process and pace according to where we are on our journey.

I’m sure you can identify this in your own life. Most of us can recall a situation when we behaved in a way that seemed quite appropriate at the time but that in retrospect was either too narrow or even downright wrong. We acted from limited awareness and, later, with more experience and wisdom we viewed those previous events with a greater perspective and understanding.

We perceive through the lens of who we are at that moment, the sum total of our experiences combined and influenced by our never-ending and always evolving soul. You and I could look at the very same leaf and what stands out to me as riveting and important might be something you completely overlook. What profoundly touches you might be a detail I don’t even see.

Truth can be a dangerous word. Not because it doesn’t exist but because one person’s truth is another’s lie. It presupposes that any one of us has a full grasp of all truth and that, therefore, if an individual, a group, a nation or a country disagrees, they’re wrong. And if they’re wrong and I’m right it’s a single small sway into believing I’m better. Separation results and the chasm breeds fear and its offspring, hate.

It’s unavoidable, it’s normal, for us to see our experiences through our perspective, colored by who we are in that moment. A child first learns her own world, exploring through her humanness. As she grows she learns that because she feels good when someone shares their toy with her, it’s also important that she shares in return. Our ability to perceive is a necessary part of living in the world, a tool helping us to identify the thoughts, behaviors and actions we choose and the subsequent consequences. It helps us to live, not only as an individual, but as part of a global community

Our experiences, our emotional responses, our search for meaning and the integration of it all is the genesis for understanding ourselves and others, for developing compassion, for expanding our capacity to love and be loved. In essence, it helps us to see ourselves in others, and others in ourselves. You are not right, you are not wrong in what you recall of your childhood. Your brother is neither wrong nor right in his recollections.

It’s important to ask yourself what you’re hoping to achieve in getting your brother to agree with you. Do you doubt the things you’ve recalled and feel the need for his validation? Do you want sympathy, the comfort of two people sharing common experiences? Do you desire an objective clarification so you can have an expanded understanding of what you went through? Do you want him to recant his opinions of your parents? Are you protective of your father? Does your brother’s view of your mother feel like an approval of her behavior, as if her treatment of you was okay?

What is your goal, hoping? And how can you be in true service to that desired outcome? It sounds to me as if what you’re really longing for is a way to find peace in your life, a way of understanding the things that have happened to you in order to be more loving and finding more happiness and healing. Forgiveness is a necessary part of this. While I won’t go into the intricacies here, know forgiveness doesn’t entail an acceptance or agreement with the actions of the person who hurt you. Nor should it erase the consequences of their actions. What it does is free you from the anger that keeps you tied to the original wounding.

Yet, in order to forgive, it’s important to identify the transgression, to allow yourself to feel your emotions, to honor your right to have those responses. It’s your experience, and it’s your personal perspective of those experiences, and in that light there’s no right way to feel something, and there isn’t a wrong way. It’s what you do with those feelings that make all the difference in achieving peace and equanimity.

What you recall of your childhood is different from your brother’s because you’re different individuals. Forcing him to see things your way is an invalidation of his truth. You can’t know his mind, his heart, or his path. His soul purpose is not yours, his earthly walk is his alone. Just as yours is for you. Hopefully we each love and support each other in our journey, but while we can—and should—express our need to be respected and valued, we can’t force anyone to offer either.

Your brother can’t take away your pain—only you can do that through understanding and forgiveness. His agreement with your personal truth won’t erase the reality of your history, nor can he provide you with peace and happiness. Insisting on it merely inflames a wound you’re seeking to heal. In pushing him to agree, you are—at least in part—enlivening the very thing you seek to destroy, which is the feeling of rejection, the sense of abandonment and judgment.

Perhaps you would feel comforted if your brother saw things your way, but right now he’s unwilling and he may never do so. Accepting him as he is means you leave an open space for him to accept you as well. You can’t forge a close, loving relationship with your brother alone, but you can do your part and this doesn’t mean you should agree with him, nor passively allow unkindness to go unaddressed.

Be the love you seek. It’s a powerful message and paves the way for joy and healing. May you, your brother, and your families be united in love and kindness.

Many blessings, Asrianna

Asrianna Dameron is a Psychic, a Spiritual Medium, a Certified Hypnotherapist, and a Certified Past Life Regressionist in private practice. She offers individual and group sessions as well as seminars and speaking engagements on the topics of Psychic Development, Mediumship, Hypnosis and Shamanic healing. Asrianna can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , by visiting her websites at www.shamansheart.com or www.nhshamanandpsychicmedium.com, or by calling 603-892-1268.