“When I sat outside yesterday it was very windy. I look towards our field with admiration of the beauty of the huge trees. I was feeling the beauty and the power and energy of the vast trees—they seemed to appreciate my feelings about their beauty. All in unison as the wind became more intense and stronger—they seemed to vigorously sway and bow down like they were bowing down to thank me for noticing their beautiful performance. They were bowing down from the waist to the ground together—like in gratitude. Their swaying and bowing together was spectacular—over and over they did it. Such power was displayed."
Bea Deraspe, June 2010
My mother, Bea, seemed intent in sharing this experience with the trees. She handed me a piece of scratch paper. On it was 91 year old penmanship with these words written above. I was moved by her seeing, how she saw beauty and experienced gratitude and connection in a moment of complete awakeness.
When she wrote this, it appears she did not know she was days from dying. It appears she did not know her lungs were filled with cancer. Her kin certainly did not. Bea was not one to complain.
We brought her to the ER to see why it was so hard for her to breathe and swallow. With one x-ray, she learned that life as she knew it was nearing its end. She took the blow with grace and poise. Although her pace had slowed this past year, she was still very involved with full life and much vigor, mothering and grand mothering dozens of family and friends, alike.
Mother, oh mother, caressing my face with the wind, transmuting into Oneness;
still here in every flower, stone, bird and tree.
Bea aged along with the trees surrounding her home. For 65 years, she witnessed everything grow up around her. She watched with every season the budding, the blooming and the expansion. She watched every autumn’s release. She spoke of the light filtering through and bouncing off the dancing leaves, the bird conversations from tree top to neighboring branch, fascinated and curious as to what they could be sharing. For 65 years she watched those trees, through the ages of mothering and grand mothering and of being mothered, as much as she would allow—seeing more and more as she sat more still, following the light of day like a cat sitting in the sun.
I don’t know what its like to make that final leap of faith into the great void. I watched someone I love deeply transition into that space with grace in a matter of days. It must be an amazing space, since no one seems to come back as they once were.
I think to call her, visit, bring her to the pond. I forget this has shifted. I call her from another means now. I visit her not at her kitchen table but from the moments this heart opens. I bring her to the pond still, with this daughter’s heart as it continues to open, and close and open again.
I bow down to you, Mom, with deep and eternal gratitude, for you—and your beauty and in your honor, just like those vast trees that spoke to you in that moment of peace.
Jen Deraspe, is the founder of Nurture Through Nature, an eco-retreat center in Denmark, Maine. Jen is a certified yoga instructor, a licensed Maine guide, and a certified coach and facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie. She has been leading holistic nature retreats since 1999. www.ntnretreats.com, (207) 452-2929.