“How would your life have been different, if, as a child, there had been a place for you to go to be yourself, where you did not have to conform and you were free to express all that is beautiful and ugly that you held within you…? Where there were elders to help you trust your own becoming—in darkness and in light… Where you could weave together the fabric of your life?”¹

A child discovering her voice

My daughter, who is nearly 3 years old, has a keen awareness of “I’m me, not you.” She understands that she is a separate sacred being from Mommy and Daddy. She never holds back in sharing her likes and dislikes, whether it is the way another child is treating her, what food is served for dinner, or a request to use the potty, she gets her point across. Her ego is rising!

My spouse and I want to celebrate and support her journey into becoming herself—the expression of her voice and the array of feelings that she will experience and, no doubt, display to her parents. For this is part of her uniqueness, her ability to “feel the feelings” and communicate them in her own way. Still, as she discovers the power of her voice, my spouse and I are tasked with teaching her how to channel this energy in safe and healthy ways, physically and psychologically.

A mother's worry A mother's gift

I worry how I, as a woman and a mother, will be able to guide her into staying true to her emerging sense of self. Is it possible to teach her how not to get caught-up in images of “who she thinks she is supposed to be” as interpreted through her relationships with parents, siblings, peers and later in life, with colleagues and adult friends or partners? Can I help her understand that, yes, there will be times when she will need to adopt a certain persona—wear a mask—in order to navigate through a difficult situation, but she does not have to become the mask?

Perhaps the most important gift I can give my daughter is a place where she can go to be who she is—without judgment, without question. A place, described by noted feminist writer Judith Duerk, “where she is received and affirmed, even as she struggles to become more truly herself.” In this place, she and I (and the sister whose birth we presently await), gather to share and to be heard, and to simply be present to one another and to the unfolding of our lives, moment-by-moment.

I wonder if I can provide this place—a sacred circle in which mother and daughters gather to experience and honor all that is beautiful and ugly in our lives. Will her sense of self emerge stronger, more resilient, and more authentic? Will mine?

Sacred Space to Authentically Be

To provide this sacred space for my daughters, I must first provide it for myself. I must create the time away from the activity of parenting, working, caring for the home and personal relationships, to just be with my-self. In this time away from the chaos of daily life, I can discover new facets of who I am by chipping away at aspects of my being that no longer serve me. In so doing I unearth new, more invigorating ways of living and being. In this sacred time away, I receive a priceless gift:  an evolving sense of my-self—who I am and who I want to be—in relationship to my daughters.

There is no simple way to create or find the time away from the hub of family life. As I live the question, “How do I do this…?” I find I must be creative, flexible, and adjust my expectations. A weekend by the sea, of course, would be ideal but it is not always feasible. There is a park near my home where I can take some time while my spouse plays with my daughter on the playground. There is a long wait in the doctor’s office, where I bring my journal and write, instead of looking at magazines or talking on the phone. When my spouse schedules a “Daddy-Daughter Day,” I no longer allow time to get away from me with an endless list of chores. I do what is necessary and required (like having food in the house and clean clothes) and I allow time to simply be with myself, for reflection and renewal. Upon our reunion, my family finds me to be more of who I want to be in relation to them: a responsive, loving and relaxed parent and partner.

My daughters will grow-up in the blink of an eye, my dear friend Michele always tells me. My intention is to provide the safe, loving, sacred space in which my daughters can weave the fabric of their lives and become the authentic beings they were divinely created to be.

For Further Reading:
Circle of Stones: Woman’s Journey to Herself
Judith Duerk, c. 1989 Lura Media: CA
I Sit Listening to the Wind: Woman’s Encounter within Herself. Judith Duerk, c. Inner Ocean Publishing, Inc.: Maui, HI

¹ This quote adapted from passages and concepts in both of Judith Duerk’s books.

Karen M. Rider, M.A.
writes articles, stories, reviews, and promotional
copy that educates, enlightens and entertains the reader. Karen is guided by three muses - clarity, integrity and creativity—in all endeavors. She holds a degree in health psychology. Karen resides in central Connecticut there she shares life’s adventures with her daughters and husband.  She is working on her first novel.
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